You are cordially invited to my pity party

My sincerest apologies to anyone who already knows this, but it turns out that being in near-constant pain is actually pretty terrible. This may be the worst and dumbest revelation I’ve ever had. I don’t believe in karma, but I still feel like this is payback for taking pride in my high pain tolerance. And I don’t specifically remember ever thinking that chronic pain sufferers should just suck it up, but I probably did at some point, and now the wart is on the other foot HA HA HA HA HA kill me. I mean, I was definitely in the “if you can’t have kids just adopt” camp when I was a know-it-all 25 year old, and that one came back to bite me pretty hard. I hope we’re running out of ways that I used to be an asshole because I have had it with the life lessons. Learning is pretty dumb.

It’s fine if anyone reading this is thinking, “It’s just a couple plantar warts, big deal.” I get it. I would be thinking the same thing. (Proving that I literally will never learn.) But every morning I wake up and it feels like someone is holding burning hot blades to the bottom of my feet, then getting out of bed and walking on the wood floor makes it feel like those tiny little burning knives are stabbing away. Oh, I thought these wood floors were so pretty when we moved in! How could I have known that someday the fluffy Costco bathmat would be my favorite thing in the house?

My greatest joy.

The morning/barefoot/wood floor trifecta is the peak pain combo, so once I’ve put shoes on and hobbled around a bit, it lessens slightly, but the best I can hope for lately is a kind of stinging soreness all day long. I have my next doctor appointment Tuesday morning; I’m counting down the hours and hoping against hope for some relief.

Maybe right here is where I’m supposed to impart some inspirational motivational courageous shareable totally-going-to-go-viral valuable piece of wisdom but I’m not. I know that overall I have it pretty good. I know that other people have it so much worse. I know it will (probably?) get better. I know that right now this really sucks.